The other side of it

Had an ugly dream last night. Was all bounded in my boyfreinds unsecurety on me. We are at a party where my eks is to, im lieing on a bed all alone when my very very drunk exboyfriend suddenly comes and lies on top on me and try to kiss me.. hes drunk and very unpleasent, and i dont want it at all.. in that minut my boyfriend steps into the room.. look at us, and turn hes back at me without seeing that im struggleling to get out of the hands of my ex.. I know that what my ex want is to rape me and hes holding my hands very firm. Im struggleing to get free of hes grip but only succeed becourse hes so drunk. I get free of him, but my boyfriend wont listen to the real story all he saw was us makeing out, and thats all he can see. The true story he wont hear. I stand left alone with noone to talk to feeling abused and hurted.

Im not sure how much longer i can take this. I want to be number 1.. i want to be the one to be carred about. Where do i find a guy that will care for just me, and for whom i would be number one, and not the one he seeks care at when he feels hurt. I giveing and getting nothing in return.. nothing but you letting your feelings of how sad you are to loose her, and that you wont found any that you can feel the same for agein.... Why do i even bother. Seems like you forgotten that im more then just one you can let everyting out on. It hurts that im not needed to anything else then that.. but it is how it seems. I should stop now, perhaps you will notice what i done for you then.. perhaps not, but then it really would be mostly your loss.
seems like you dont remember how much i like you, but only are filled with onlý your feelings. I want to be center just a little, im tired of you hurting me without even noticeing. I tired now. tired tired tired.

I feel so pathetic right now.. im just sitting here and feels like all i say is stupid.. Hopeing for a kind word to tell me that im ok.. That its not just cus of our fantastic sex you wanna talk and meet. I fell so stupid, cus i know that I will fell second best when it comes to you allmost forever. You once told me that you never loved anyone so high as her.. I dont fell like im good enough to you to love me. Im running out of compasionate things to say when you telling me how sad you are over she dumped you.. You are describeing how i fell bout you, when you tell some of the things you fell bout her. Im growing cynical on you, and sometimes accedently goes to far and tell you "jokes" that offend you, bout her. I know i should get out of this befour i realy get burned, but when those good words comes, i puts me on fire and gives me chills, and my heart beats faster. I cant remember reacting so physical to words. Cant remember anyone filling me with just the sent of him. Tho haveing him close to me can be very bittersweet, as i know that even tho you really like me, it would not have been me you would have chosen if you could do what you felt like.

Why am i keeping this up.. I know i should not, and that it will ruin me in the end however the outcome will be. I will allways feel like i was not hes first choice.. i was not the one he wanted. Nothing he can say can change that as he still moans over her. I never have the right to feel jealus hurted and demanding and unfair.. I want the right to these feelings cus i have em.. but i never had the right to have em. I know its wrong what im doing.. i knew he was hers and not mine at heart. i know even if he was mine at heart he would not be good for me. And still i want him to really want me and only i be what he wish for. I have a meen monster in my head telling me that i will never live up to what he want, and that i will allways be what he did cus she didnt want him anymore! Still listening to hes voice, or getting a text msg, makes the blood rush in my vains, and give me chils down the spine.
Telling my self so very offen that i should stop it.. but im still drawn to talking to him every night anyways.
Why dont i do as i told my self and follow my intuition that says hes not good for me, instead of keeping this sharade up.
Feels like i want to slam my head into the wall and hurt it.. at least its allmost what im on the way to do.
But he gives me soooo good and fullfilling sex... but thats all he offers me.. he just dont know that.

I feel horrible today.. i feel like roleing my self together and disapiar inside me. Close my eyes and just hope to not get any contackt or condenments from the world round me. I cant handle if anyone says that i just have to pull my self together. Made a second blog to be able to write all the dark stuff i have in me. I will change language between danish and english after mood. I will write whatever i feel and think. This will be the dirty blog of mine with the dark sides and the stuff i dont want people i know to read. This is where i have my free space to be whatever.
Why dont write whatever on my own language.. well cus sometimes its just easyer to use english cus creates a distance. And distance i need to me sometimes.
Why make a second blog? cus i sometimes have things i need to write with out beeing afried of the consequense from those who know me in real life, and way to many of those have my original blog. Where will i publish my self? i have not yet desided if i will do anything to make peoble read it.. rigth now i just need to write it.